I think this Blog is fucking broken.

If this thing still works at all ...

Funny Pipes has kinda resumed service here -

http://nightgoneblack.ecomancer.net/

testy testy?

Evening, gentlepeoples. Just wanted to call the attention of any strangers out there to our message board, Dark Side of the Monkey.

http://pub30.ezboard.com/bdarksideofthemonkey

All you need is an ezBoard account. It's a pleasant little stomp that's almost as active as this site! And you know what the best thing about it is, compared to this site? It's interactive. If I say something you don't like, you can speak up. And I can ban you for it. Poo on you.

This is just too funny

The page itself is equally funny as the fact that somebody..somewhere... is paying good money to have that.

I really wish that I could shoot a laser beam out of my elbow. Not eyes.. not fingers.. those are too cliched. But out of my elbow. Cause I could walk right up to some guy and point my elbow at him. He would be confused and I could shoot him with my elbow laser beam before he knew what hit him! Now.. you walk up to somebody and point your finger at him..or stare at him really funny, and they are going to get suspicious. But your elbow. haha! That's pure genius.

Also you could shoot somebody behind you without even turning around. : taps nose : Think about it.

Bah, this is a reconstruction from memory of a post that timed out earlier and was destroyed.

Well, it seems that TuskenRaider is either busy or lying to me. I suspect it’s a little of both, so in his easily replaceable presence I’m posting again, thus depriving the site of the excellent blog for blog exchange I’d envisioned and reducing it at least momentarily to a few TuskenRafts struggling for dear life in the mighty river of me. Because I haven’t drunk enough just yet to produce such a river, nor finish writing my name on that wall over there, I’m just going to bitch at random without much consideration for you, the reader. I’d like that, wouldn’t I?

One of the things that’s most caught my ire lately is people’s inability to accept as valid the opinions of others on purely subjective matters, specifically, film and music. Is there really a grand objective order that accurately ranks every movie and song in order of quality? If so, does it have any meaning whatsoever, given that no-one agrees with it (let alone knows what it is) or each other? Is there really a “right” and “wrong” way to appreciate stuff?

I ask this because according to the actions of many, there absolutely is. You no longer have to be the human host of an alien parasite from the planet Assholia to be a movie critic. Apparently, anyone can be and should, especially around Oscar time. This is a magical time of the year where the Ignorance Fairy trades in your knowledge of one movie that was nominated for anything and replaces it with the illusion of a wonderful bountiful reservoir of film smarts, such as what good acting / directing is and what the flying fuck cinematography actually means. And since you have this gift of knowing what’s good for other people better than they know themselves, there’s no need to keep it inside or even at a reasonable volume. Because apparently, art is no longer just for liking, or appreciating. That’s not good enough. It’s also a way you can broadcast your individuality whilst suppressing that of others, by promoting your conception of things as the actual objective order whilst blasting differing opinions for being not only wrong, but sucking semen out of fleshy and cocklike straws!

As I’ve mentioned, people being halved is one of the things I like to see in my movies, songs and backyard. But most likely, according to the Objective Order of Quality in Art, gratuitous halvings are not cool (don’t even get me started on what the Objective Order probably thinks about the halves bleeding dogshit afterwards). Maybe I like plots that don’t make sense either, or bad acting for its comedic value. So as can be seen, this Objective Order means diddly to me. My appreciation of art might be “wrong”, but so what? I like what I like, it’s what makes me me and me psychotic. I have no compulsion to defend my tastes or convert others to them. It’s enough that I enjoy what I do and that others don’t means nothing to me (except maybe the police, they’re special).

So I guess the lesson today is: be more like me.

Sometimes they walk around with regular people, pretending there's nothing wrong, situation normal, walking their cape-walk and eating their cape-food. I see them every now and then, and they bug me. Do they expect us to not notice? Or to notice and not care? You're wearing a cape, assholes. Stop it.

Although it's not a law, although it should be, capes are only supposed to be worn by special people. Super people. Those that earn their capes. You may wear one if you're Batman. If you're Superman. If you have saved the world on two or more non-consecutive occasions. Not if you're cold. Not if you really would like to save the world, but suck. Capes are not available to just anyone. So if you're just anyone, take it off right now. Otherwise, we will rise up in anger. We will step on it while you're walking. We will set it on fire and tie it to things when you sit down and aren't paying attention. We are many and furious. You are few and wear capes for dumb reasons. You can't win.

NO. And give back those hamburgers.

So earlier today I woke up and looked out my window to see a Rabbit and a Squirrel sitting around one another, eating their respective bug coated foods and I thought to myself, "If a squirrel and a rabbit were to have a sword fight, who would win?" And then I thought, "That's a pretty dumb idea." "Yes it is.", I retorted to myself. And then I thought, "What if the squirrel had cyber kinetic robot strength boots and the rabbit had a thermo dynamic pulse strengthener.?" To answer this question you must look at both the cyber kinetic robot strength boots' attributes and the thermo dynamic pulse strengthener's attributes. I think it's common knowledge by now that the cyber kinetic robot strength boots give the wearer 175.34% more strength. Whereas the thermo dynamic pulse strengthener gives the wearer 171.21% more strength (on average). Judging from these figures alone you would assume that the squirrel with the cyber kinetic robot strength boots would easily win out against the pansy rabbit with the thermo crap. But this is where it gets tricky. You see, the speed of the rabbit makes more strength! ha!

Let me put this in perspective. Now, say you have a brick for a hand. Now.. would it hurt the person you were punching more if the brick was going 10 miles per hour... or if the same brick was going 20 miles per hour? eh? eh? 20 miles an hour, right? Yes, exactly. So. The speed of the rabbit, combined with the thermo dynamic pulse strengthener would give the rabbit an asounding 196.59% more strength! Dominate!!

The moral of this story is that it's not the size of your cyber kenetic robot strength boots that count, it's something to do with some kind of speed and brick hands that counts.

Here's a live comment from TuskenRaider about my previous entry.

"HamsterVladimir: I'd like to kick-halve a man once before I day"


....

Kicking a man in half. Is there any greater dream? Not to this psycho. Many a night do I sit up in bed, imagining the perfect tall and skinny target.

Then there is the setup.

The kick.

The miracle.

Nevermind the burial of my quarry in two graves and the inevitable fame and females. As yet, science has not been able to achieve the first foot-related halving. For this I am glad, because they would be sucking all the magic out of it. When that wide-eyed young psycho in Thailand kicks his first man in half, I'd really want him to think he'd captured something very special and psycho. Because he has. It'd be really dumb, and would make a poor movie, if one of the halves of the kicked man arched up and said "Ha! You think that's a miracle? You merely kicked me in a particular area, causing your foot to chemically react with my direct center thus causing the breakage in half! Science says so!" It would make an even worse movie if it was his lower half saying that, somehow.

I generally have very good movie ideas that translate poorly into actual movies. This is because people rolling around in dog poop and loving it is an idea unlikely to sustain an entire film or pull audiences, and all of my movie ideas seem to gravitate unerringly towards this disgusting but underappreciated premise. According to test audiences, people necessarily want stories with their films nowadays, although film is inherently only a "moving picture". They want reasons for things being up on screen, justifications, like "why is there dog poop all over the place?" "Who are those people?" "Why are they rolling ... OH GOD JUST WHY?!?" To me it seemed perfectly clear - because they love it. But see, these are not the sort of audiences I want seeing my films. These are the sort of audiences I want caught in things that don't open very easily. Mine are for the brave, the adventurous, the daringly shit-obsessed. And if that isn't you, brother, toodle some oo. Additionally, your mom is large and stinks.

Super Mega Update x Eleventy

Thought I'd share a few more links with you boys and girls. Been awhile since I did that.

If you have nothing to do and like to secretly watch other peoples lives via internet then Camville is the site for you. I didn't spend much time here, but apparently you can watch a whole bunch of peoples webcams. It should amuse all of you spying perverts out there. Yes..yes you.

Flash Games! Flash Games for sale! Yes more of these. I think these things are pretty snazzy. I'd make my own if I wasn't a moron about it.

All Jimmy the Sign Maker wanted was a steady job, two working legs and the ability to spell. Well, two out of three ain't bad. He should check out all the other Stupid Signs so he doesn't make the same mistake.

Robot Monster Toys. There really isn't that much of a reason for this like. But Transformers kick ass, and this site has em'.

Well it seems that Blogger have unclumsyed their act and unbroken whatever server computer they no no-ed all over. So the Funny Pipes will be resuming normal service. Now let's all say "wooooo."

Unenthusiastic crowd, sarcastically: Wooooo.

*kicks crowd in the face*

I bought some sunglasses off a friend a few years ago for a few bucks. I dunno where he bought them from. Maybe he didn't buy them at all. Maybe he found them. Maybe ...

"Here they come, Quetzal, in their carts of the sea they call galleons. They come to enslave our people, rape our women, and erase our Incan heritage!"
"Oh no!"
"Oh yes! We must keep our artefacts safe in those we can trust, Quetzal. Take these with you."
"Two circles of tinted glass joined by crude metal framing! It's what I've always wanted! Truly Incan Santa shits all over me this day, and his shit is of gold!"
"Quiet, Quetzal. They come nearer with every wave. Listen to me boy. This artefact has a great power that the Spaniards want to get their hands on. But first, a little background info. The word artefact derives as a composite from the words arte and fact, in regular usage in peninsulas Sotec through to Condor but excluding the Hotep basin from about the time of - arrrrghh! The fiendish devils, they got me whilst I was just about to tell you the secret of the artefact ..."
"What's the secret! Tell me father, tell meeeeee!"
"... my time has come ... take the artefact ..."
"Awww, you got blood all over it."

"Ahhh yes, the centuries old tomb of Quetzal, and in it, the artefact with a secret power! Luckily, soon it will be mine ... wait! Who goes there?"
"It belongs in a museum, Wolfe!"
"Indiana Jones ... still grave robbing for museums after all this time. Luckily, I had prepared for your arrival. Get him, Nazis!"
"What the hell? Nazis again?!? It's 1985! Ah, whatever. Lemme whip em."
"Noooo! My stock Nazi henchmen have been whipped into kraut jelly. Luckily, I've already boarded the artefact's tomb and 6 bajillion tonnes of Inca gold onto this acquatic escape craft! And, explosives are set to detonate the nearby dam at Point Convenience, flooding this whole area! Farewell Dr. Jones, I hope you're thirsty!"
"Ha! How about one more for the road, Wolfe? And it's on the Incans!"
"What? Noooo! The 6 bajillion tonnes of gold are sinking my ship, I see now I was such a fool! My greed is my downfall! Crime does not pay! Always stay in school! I'll get you for this, Dr. glugluglugluglug ..."
"Wolfe drowned! Hmm, but I will too if I don't think quickly. I don't think there's any way I could swim out of here and still recover the artefact ... but my body double could! Hmm, now let's have a look at this artefact ... interesting, two circles of tinted glass joined by crude metal framing. Now to read the inscription for the secret ... hmm, my Incan's a bit rusty ... how about you, body double? Good. The secret of the artefact is ... may alleviate excessive UV rays when worn as ocular appendage. Gadzooks! The world is not ready for such power!!!"

And thus concludes today's story. Oh yeah, my friend killed Indiana Jones. That should be in the story somewhere.

MSPaint MasterPieces

For the update today, I decided to go to our old friend MS Paint and make a few somethings. Due to the fact that these take a mere 13 seconds to create, I intend to make more of theses. So, more Updates to come.

The Hunger Beast!
The Stupidest Drawing Ever