The Funny Pipes

2005-12-02T00:58:00.000-05:00

I think this Blog is fucking broken.

2003-02-04T21:03:00.000-05:00

If this thing still works at all ...

Funny Pipes has kinda resumed service here -

http://nightgoneblack.ecomancer.net/

2002-09-21T01:16:00.000-04:00

testy testy?

2002-09-13T12:38:00.000-04:00

Evening, gentlepeoples. Just wanted to call the attention of any strangers out there to our message board, Dark Side of the Monkey.

http://pub30.ezboard.com/bdarksideofthemonkey

All you need is an ezBoard account. It's a pleasant little stomp that's almost as active as this site! And you know what the best thing about it is, compared to this site? It's interactive. If I say something you don't like, you can speak up. And I can ban you for it. Poo on you.

2002-08-31T02:35:00.000-04:00

This is just too funny

The page itself is equally funny as the fact that somebody..somewhere... is paying good money to have that.

2002-08-29T22:33:00.000-04:00

I really wish that I could shoot a laser beam out of my elbow. Not eyes.. not fingers.. those are too cliched. But out of my elbow. Cause I could walk right up to some guy and point my elbow at him. He would be confused and I could shoot him with my elbow laser beam before he knew what hit him! Now.. you walk up to somebody and point your finger at him..or stare at him really funny, and they are going to get suspicious. But your elbow. haha! That's pure genius.

Also you could shoot somebody behind you without even turning around. : taps nose : Think about it.

2002-08-25T06:12:00.000-04:00

Bah, this is a reconstruction from memory of a post that timed out earlier and was destroyed.

Well, it seems that TuskenRaider is either busy or lying to me. I suspect it’s a little of both, so in his easily replaceable presence I’m posting again, thus depriving the site of the excellent blog for blog exchange I’d envisioned and reducing it at least momentarily to a few TuskenRafts struggling for dear life in the mighty river of me. Because I haven’t drunk enough just yet to produce such a river, nor finish writing my name on that wall over there, I’m just going to bitch at random without much consideration for you, the reader. I’d like that, wouldn’t I?

One of the things that’s most caught my ire lately is people’s inability to accept as valid the opinions of others on purely subjective matters, specifically, film and music. Is there really a grand objective order that accurately ranks every movie and song in order of quality? If so, does it have any meaning whatsoever, given that no-one agrees with it (let alone knows what it is) or each other? Is there really a “right” and “wrong” way to appreciate stuff?

I ask this because according to the actions of many, there absolutely is. You no longer have to be the human host of an alien parasite from the planet Assholia to be a movie critic. Apparently, anyone can be and should, especially around Oscar time. This is a magical time of the year where the Ignorance Fairy trades in your knowledge of one movie that was nominated for anything and replaces it with the illusion of a wonderful bountiful reservoir of film smarts, such as what good acting / directing is and what the flying fuck cinematography actually means. And since you have this gift of knowing what’s good for other people better than they know themselves, there’s no need to keep it inside or even at a reasonable volume. Because apparently, art is no longer just for liking, or appreciating. That’s not good enough. It’s also a way you can broadcast your individuality whilst suppressing that of others, by promoting your conception of things as the actual objective order whilst blasting differing opinions for being not only wrong, but sucking semen out of fleshy and cocklike straws!

As I’ve mentioned, people being halved is one of the things I like to see in my movies, songs and backyard. But most likely, according to the Objective Order of Quality in Art, gratuitous halvings are not cool (don’t even get me started on what the Objective Order probably thinks about the halves bleeding dogshit afterwards). Maybe I like plots that don’t make sense either, or bad acting for its comedic value. So as can be seen, this Objective Order means diddly to me. My appreciation of art might be “wrong”, but so what? I like what I like, it’s what makes me me and me psychotic. I have no compulsion to defend my tastes or convert others to them. It’s enough that I enjoy what I do and that others don’t means nothing to me (except maybe the police, they’re special).

So I guess the lesson today is: be more like me.

2002-08-21T02:45:00.000-04:00

Sometimes they walk around with regular people, pretending there's nothing wrong, situation normal, walking their cape-walk and eating their cape-food. I see them every now and then, and they bug me. Do they expect us to not notice? Or to notice and not care? You're wearing a cape, assholes. Stop it.

Although it's not a law, although it should be, capes are only supposed to be worn by special people. Super people. Those that earn their capes. You may wear one if you're Batman. If you're Superman. If you have saved the world on two or more non-consecutive occasions. Not if you're cold. Not if you really would like to save the world, but suck. Capes are not available to just anyone. So if you're just anyone, take it off right now. Otherwise, we will rise up in anger. We will step on it while you're walking. We will set it on fire and tie it to things when you sit down and aren't paying attention. We are many and furious. You are few and wear capes for dumb reasons. You can't win.

NO. And give back those hamburgers.

2002-08-18T13:28:00.000-04:00

So earlier today I woke up and looked out my window to see a Rabbit and a Squirrel sitting around one another, eating their respective bug coated foods and I thought to myself, "If a squirrel and a rabbit were to have a sword fight, who would win?" And then I thought, "That's a pretty dumb idea." "Yes it is.", I retorted to myself. And then I thought, "What if the squirrel had cyber kinetic robot strength boots and the rabbit had a thermo dynamic pulse strengthener.?" To answer this question you must look at both the cyber kinetic robot strength boots' attributes and the thermo dynamic pulse strengthener's attributes. I think it's common knowledge by now that the cyber kinetic robot strength boots give the wearer 175.34% more strength. Whereas the thermo dynamic pulse strengthener gives the wearer 171.21% more strength (on average). Judging from these figures alone you would assume that the squirrel with the cyber kinetic robot strength boots would easily win out against the pansy rabbit with the thermo crap. But this is where it gets tricky. You see, the speed of the rabbit makes more strength! ha!

Let me put this in perspective. Now, say you have a brick for a hand. Now.. would it hurt the person you were punching more if the brick was going 10 miles per hour... or if the same brick was going 20 miles per hour? eh? eh? 20 miles an hour, right? Yes, exactly. So. The speed of the rabbit, combined with the thermo dynamic pulse strengthener would give the rabbit an asounding 196.59% more strength! Dominate!!

The moral of this story is that it's not the size of your cyber kenetic robot strength boots that count, it's something to do with some kind of speed and brick hands that counts.

2002-08-18T04:03:00.000-04:00

Here's a live comment from TuskenRaider about my previous entry.

"HamsterVladimir: I'd like to kick-halve a man once before I day"

....

2002-08-18T03:47:00.000-04:00

Kicking a man in half. Is there any greater dream? Not to this psycho. Many a night do I sit up in bed, imagining the perfect tall and skinny target.

Then there is the setup.

The kick.

The miracle.

Nevermind the burial of my quarry in two graves and the inevitable fame and females. As yet, science has not been able to achieve the first foot-related halving. For this I am glad, because they would be sucking all the magic out of it. When that wide-eyed young psycho in Thailand kicks his first man in half, I'd really want him to think he'd captured something very special and psycho. Because he has. It'd be really dumb, and would make a poor movie, if one of the halves of the kicked man arched up and said "Ha! You think that's a miracle? You merely kicked me in a particular area, causing your foot to chemically react with my direct center thus causing the breakage in half! Science says so!" It would make an even worse movie if it was his lower half saying that, somehow.

I generally have very good movie ideas that translate poorly into actual movies. This is because people rolling around in dog poop and loving it is an idea unlikely to sustain an entire film or pull audiences, and all of my movie ideas seem to gravitate unerringly towards this disgusting but underappreciated premise. According to test audiences, people necessarily want stories with their films nowadays, although film is inherently only a "moving picture". They want reasons for things being up on screen, justifications, like "why is there dog poop all over the place?" "Who are those people?" "Why are they rolling ... OH GOD JUST WHY?!?" To me it seemed perfectly clear - because they love it. But see, these are not the sort of audiences I want seeing my films. These are the sort of audiences I want caught in things that don't open very easily. Mine are for the brave, the adventurous, the daringly shit-obsessed. And if that isn't you, brother, toodle some oo. Additionally, your mom is large and stinks.

2002-08-17T14:14:00.000-04:00

Super Mega Update x Eleventy

Thought I'd share a few more links with you boys and girls. Been awhile since I did that.

If you have nothing to do and like to secretly watch other peoples lives via internet then Camville is the site for you. I didn't spend much time here, but apparently you can watch a whole bunch of peoples webcams. It should amuse all of you spying perverts out there. Yes..yes you.

Flash Games! Flash Games for sale! Yes more of these. I think these things are pretty snazzy. I'd make my own if I wasn't a moron about it.

All Jimmy the Sign Maker wanted was a steady job, two working legs and the ability to spell. Well, two out of three ain't bad. He should check out all the other Stupid Signs so he doesn't make the same mistake.

Robot Monster Toys. There really isn't that much of a reason for this like. But Transformers kick ass, and this site has em'.

2002-08-07T02:36:00.000-04:00

Well it seems that Blogger have unclumsyed their act and unbroken whatever server computer they no no-ed all over. So the Funny Pipes will be resuming normal service. Now let's all say "wooooo."

Unenthusiastic crowd, sarcastically: Wooooo.

*kicks crowd in the face*

2002-07-23T13:18:00.000-04:00

I bought some sunglasses off a friend a few years ago for a few bucks. I dunno where he bought them from. Maybe he didn't buy them at all. Maybe he found them. Maybe ...

"Here they come, Quetzal, in their carts of the sea they call galleons. They come to enslave our people, rape our women, and erase our Incan heritage!"
"Oh no!"
"Oh yes! We must keep our artefacts safe in those we can trust, Quetzal. Take these with you."
"Two circles of tinted glass joined by crude metal framing! It's what I've always wanted! Truly Incan Santa shits all over me this day, and his shit is of gold!"
"Quiet, Quetzal. They come nearer with every wave. Listen to me boy. This artefact has a great power that the Spaniards want to get their hands on. But first, a little background info. The word artefact derives as a composite from the words arte and fact, in regular usage in peninsulas Sotec through to Condor but excluding the Hotep basin from about the time of - arrrrghh! The fiendish devils, they got me whilst I was just about to tell you the secret of the artefact ..."
"What's the secret! Tell me father, tell meeeeee!"
"... my time has come ... take the artefact ..."
"Awww, you got blood all over it."

"Ahhh yes, the centuries old tomb of Quetzal, and in it, the artefact with a secret power! Luckily, soon it will be mine ... wait! Who goes there?"
"It belongs in a museum, Wolfe!"
"Indiana Jones ... still grave robbing for museums after all this time. Luckily, I had prepared for your arrival. Get him, Nazis!"
"What the hell? Nazis again?!? It's 1985! Ah, whatever. Lemme whip em."
"Noooo! My stock Nazi henchmen have been whipped into kraut jelly. Luckily, I've already boarded the artefact's tomb and 6 bajillion tonnes of Inca gold onto this acquatic escape craft! And, explosives are set to detonate the nearby dam at Point Convenience, flooding this whole area! Farewell Dr. Jones, I hope you're thirsty!"
"Ha! How about one more for the road, Wolfe? And it's on the Incans!"
"What? Noooo! The 6 bajillion tonnes of gold are sinking my ship, I see now I was such a fool! My greed is my downfall! Crime does not pay! Always stay in school! I'll get you for this, Dr. glugluglugluglug ..."
"Wolfe drowned! Hmm, but I will too if I don't think quickly. I don't think there's any way I could swim out of here and still recover the artefact ... but my body double could! Hmm, now let's have a look at this artefact ... interesting, two circles of tinted glass joined by crude metal framing. Now to read the inscription for the secret ... hmm, my Incan's a bit rusty ... how about you, body double? Good. The secret of the artefact is ... may alleviate excessive UV rays when worn as ocular appendage. Gadzooks! The world is not ready for such power!!!"

And thus concludes today's story. Oh yeah, my friend killed Indiana Jones. That should be in the story somewhere.

2002-07-20T22:28:00.000-04:00

MSPaint MasterPieces

For the update today, I decided to go to our old friend MS Paint and make a few somethings. Due to the fact that these take a mere 13 seconds to create, I intend to make more of theses. So, more Updates to come.

The Hunger Beast!
The Stupidest Drawing Ever

2002-07-19T04:59:00.000-04:00

Yo. It's very cold outside at the moment, due to that sort of howling wind that sounds like your mother yelling at you to get off the computer. Wind like that makes you thankful to be indoors lounging around maintaining optimal body temperature, while outside, the mum-like wind howls away joining the incessant chatter of the brown teeth of homeless people, perched in their cardboard mansions and trying to down their whiskey which is by now a frozen solid block, haha! Weird, the wind seems to be calling me to dinner now. Me 2, homeless people 0.

As much as I may do it in the future, I didn't post just to inform whoever's reading that I am in fact cold and superficially superior to homeless people. This is actually another hollow, meaningless announcement of something new. I promise exactly nothing, but if I did it might come in the form of more regular blog entries and some new blogpeople. Who's happy?

There's just no pleasing you bastards. Have a cheap, hastily drawn comic.

Page 1
Page 2

The thing in the last frame is scissors, ok? Nitpickers.

2002-07-06T22:13:00.000-04:00

And now a news article that adds little useful information to your life

Three janitors at an elementary school in Ceres, California, tried to freeze a gopher to death by spraying it with a solvent that freezes gum and wax so it can be peeled or chipped away. Jeff Davis, 35, said he and his colleagues had sprayed several cans of the gum remover on the gopher inside a small, poorly ventilated utility room with the doors closed when one of them tried to light a cigarette. Sparks from the lighter ignited the solvent, causing an explosion that blew the janitors out of the utility room, sending them and 16 pupils to the hospital. The gopher survived and was later released in a field. Ceres Unified School District Superintendent Bruce Newlin commented that the men "used extraordinarily poor judgment."

2002-07-02T16:57:00.000-04:00

Yes, Me and Mr. Pepe have decided to not take the Funny Pipes out behind the woodshed and take 'er down. No, we're simply waiting for the right time to spring our trap of creativity! (read: Trying to think of something, please be patient)

2002-05-31T02:15:00.000-04:00

Testing

2002-04-01T11:28:00.000-05:00

What the fuck.

2002-03-31T12:30:00.000-05:00

Sorry about the lack of updates, pipers. But I assure you, we're working on some new reviews/articles to post soon, so keep checking back.

2002-03-19T01:29:00.000-05:00

Squint your eyes and get the lawn chairs propped up on the homeless, it's time again for the Link Parade!

Pop Em' !
Remember those pringles cans? Sure ya do, we all love those things. But did you ever think about doing extremely stupid stuff with them? Probably not. But the people at that website did, and it leaves you to wonder exactly how much free time those people had.

Going Postal
If you like to experiment with those crazy folks at the postal service to see exactly what they will and will not send, then this is the site for you.

Spamtastic
"SPAM, that mysterious food product, has spawned a post-modern, cross-cultural literary form: the SPAM haiku, or SPAM-ku."
I don't think I really need to say anymore here.

"The mystical ball of justice has chosen me"
Fortune Balls From Outer Space know all about you and can give you the perfect fortune. Because, of course, fortune balls from outer space have been scientifically proven to be more accurate then home grown fortune balls.

It's a bird, it's a plane, no...it's a spork!
This site hasn't been updated since 1996, but when it really comes right down to it, how much new spork related information has there been in the last 6 years? If you said "a lot", then you are absolutely right and these bastards need to update.

This is the 5th squirrel I've hit this week.
Ever wonder why squirrels run out in front of your car, or why they always seem to be hassling your dog? This site knows why. It's all an elaborate plan of squirrel induced hazing rituals. It's all starting to make an eerie kind of sense, isn't it?

Den fete jäveln slog mig!
Do you want to be like your favorite action figure, Captain Swedish Bastard? If so, then you're in luck. Since the Capn' curses like a capn' should, to be like him you too have to know how to swear in Swedish. And here's how.

Lego men have finally taken over the world.
What Lego (wo)man are you?
[Ralph Wiggum] I'm a space man! [/Ralph Wiggum]

2002-03-18T08:10:00.000-05:00

A few new things for you today ladies and gents, First a couple game related notes. After seconds upon half-seconds of searching, I found what appears to be the FAQ guide that was given to the pilots of the game 1942. Check out the Guide to Insane Warfare.

The other is an in depth look at the world of Video Game Hazing. A tragic tale of a salt weilding maniac run amuck. Godspeed salt victims, Godspeed.

Master Pimp graces our pipes once more with yet another rant.

This link was brought to my attention today. Adopt construction cones today. They give their lives to protect you from falling in holes, hitting buildings and running into other cones, the least you can do is adopt one.

2002-03-17T03:34:00.000-05:00

It seems we now have a commenting system, thanks to these guys and Emily aka Lady P. Hurrah! Bear in mind of course, that me fiddling with code is one of the early warning signs of the apocalypse. What do you think?

2002-03-16T22:49:00.000-05:00

"I'm Batman. Link Batman."
That's right, it's that time again. Time to waste your day looking at random sites on the internet that you never knew existed. I personally like to waste away at a great site for flash games or movies, updated almost all the time and have some great content, NewGrounds It takes a little bit to load up, but I assure you, it's worth the wait.

Watch out. Beware. Horror!
The Evil Sheep will get you. This site is just whacked out. Glace over it, it's more odd and disturbing then funny, but worth a look if you like crappy crayon drawings of nazi sheep.

I just LOVE my new wallet.
Duct Tape. Fashion. The first, the most important thing to man. The second, most important to women. It's an unfair generalization, but I really don't care. This site combines the two to create perfect harmony throughout the entire solar system. That's right. Yes, they actually sell this stuff.

"But Captain, the knife, it won't go any deeper!"
If you're anything like me, then you would like to see a website that takes lawn gnomes and stabs sharp objects into their heads. Woah, you mean, this site has stuff like that?!? Well then, I just might click on it and see.

"If I only had a poncho, this would have never happened!"
Would you like to avoid fatalities and save the world on a daily basis? Do you like to do it while wearing a nice looking poncho? The folks at PonchLand do. And boy, they aren't afraid of telling you exactly how in love with thier ponchos they are.

Creative headerphrase goes here
There comes a time when I find a website that just seems to have everything. Well, maybe not everything, but it sure is funny to look at. Lots of funny news articles here. A bunch of content, it'll keep your brain hamster moving for awhile. Take a Look-See.

Evil On a Budget helps you set up an evil empire and take over the world at discount prices! Dis-count pri-ces!

2002-03-14T07:23:00.000-05:00

Pep faces his most frustrating enemy yet, with a review of Ice Hockey for the NES. Who will win? The team of brave young souls commandeered by Pepper? Or the other team of brave young souls also commandeered by Pepper and engineered to lose? Only time will tell, and if he doesn't, punch that fucker in the neck and tits.

2002-03-14T02:36:00.000-05:00

Two more reviews today from me. I'm trying to shame Pep into finishing his Ice Hockey review. ;)
The game with the crotch firing action, Toobin' and the first real good game we've reviewed. One that I couldn't bring myself to mock too badly, Super Mario Kart. Enjoy.

2002-03-12T09:18:00.000-05:00

Got another update for the Mockin' the Classic section. That section just continues to roll. More reviews are in the works, but the one I have for you now is the Jap slaying classic: 1942.

2002-03-10T23:58:00.000-05:00

More Pathetic people then you do exists and that's proof. No more crying in a ball on the floor as you watch Sportscenter for the 4th time in a row. This guy obviously has far too much time on his hands. But since it's not our problem, we'll read the page and laugh.

2002-03-10T09:14:00.000-05:00

Now there are four. Master Pimp joins the fastest growing list of assholes on the internet - Funny Pipes contributors. Feel the relevant, bitter, irritating sting of sweet smiting as you may or may not read Master Pimp's What the Hell is That?

2002-03-09T00:36:00.000-05:00

Pure, happy, Nintendo life. Our NES reviews are bolstered by Ikari Warriors (aka A.B.B.A) by me. A hee hee.

2002-03-09T00:27:00.000-05:00

It's a bird. It's a plane! No, It's Ass Roberts. The life and times of this great redneck uber-man is here for you to read!

2002-03-07T10:17:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of updates as of late, we've both been a bit busy with what we like to call "life" this past week. But hopefully we can screw off enough to keep updating on a regular pace. So, in the spirit of updating heres my Bucky O'Hare review.

2002-03-04T19:07:00.000-05:00

Got a spankin' new review for ya' it's The Punisher. I suggest you check that one out. I've also developed a new way to review my games as well, check out the Eugene Levy Brow of Excellence Scale. I'll be using that from now on to help review games. Read up and be enlightened.

2002-03-03T07:44:00.000-05:00

More allies! More pawns in my little game, more instructional oompa-loompas! Muwhahahahah!

Actually, we have a new collaborator at the Funny Pipes as of today. Darth Spoon sends us his review of Super Empire Strikes Back for the SNES. Enjoy.

2002-03-02T19:17:00.000-05:00

Wooh, another update up for Mockin' the Classics. This time it's the lovely Mike Tyson in his own game, Mike Tyson's Punchout.

2002-03-02T00:53:00.000-05:00

I've got a shiny new Megaman II review for ya. And I'd like to say that the NES is probably the most addicting gaming console in the history of the universe. Yes, thats a fact.

Now, I'll admit I found this at one of the boards of our friends at I-Mockery. Hilarious little animation about what really goes on when you play pong.

And now, it's link time baby. Bruce Lee doing what he does best, and that's kick some ass. Check out this hilarious fast loading flash animation. Pretty long too.

And if you like to control some idiot dancing around the screen, then Dancing Paul is for you. Make him the great white dance machine.

And this next site just goes to prove that people spend far too much time on the internet. It's funny as hell, but I'm just too lazy to actually make something like this up so I'll do the next best thing and give you a link to it. It's all the things you never wanted to know about working at McDonalds all condensed into a friendly little website. God bless the Internet.

You know how I love the flash games. And this one is right up there with the others on the Doesn't-Suck-O-Meter. If you hate those stupid little scooters everybody rides too, then you're in luck because in this flash you get to chuck bricks at their head!

Vive la Dolemite! That's really all that needs to be said.

Vive la Gary Coleman! That's really all that needs to be said.

This next site is a series of short comics that involve retarted kids from the future talking to people in this time through a television set, about their future. I just dont know when the creativity will stop.

Bloody good times.

2002-03-01T04:02:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of link chaulked updates from me the last few days. I promise I'll get back on track. I've been busy with our new Mockin' the Classics section. But if thats not your bag, I have another random link for you today. I can't say all that much about it really, so... I'll just shake my head at it.

2002-02-28T21:50:00.000-05:00

Two new reviews today for your mocking pleasure. For the NES, Paperboy reviewed by TuskenRaider. For Super NES, the Lord of the Rings reviewed by me.

2002-02-27T03:47:00.000-05:00

If you aren't blind, you may notice the lack of a huge ass banner on the top of this page. No, you're not high again, it really is gone. And it will never be returning, so we can all wave bye-bye to mean old Mr. Banner.

2002-02-26T22:39:00.000-05:00

Today from our Melbourne and Nebraska offices we begin a new section here at Le Pipes. Suffice to say we be mockin' it old school, one time one time.

Mockin' the Classics

2002-02-26T04:15:00.000-05:00

Games games games!
That is what this update is going to bring you. I'm pretending you dont have enough to do on the web to keep you from doing mind numbing school work or boring work related activities. Now, I didn't make these games but I wish I had. I still probably wouldn't be rich, but there are bragging rights to get there. Anyways, you might need shockwave or what not for some of these games, they may take awhile to load, but I assure you that they are all working links ready to suck the hours right out of your day. The first one is an extremely horrible game but I'll post it just because it's so funny to look at. It can also be rather addicting, so heed my warning or pay the price of the Psycho Techno Hypno Kitten Snake.

It is a scientific fact that 84.7% of the human race likes Kung fu. Now, 15.3% of the human race likes chess. Yet another scientific fact. A game has been developed to adequately satisfy every human being on earth. That's right, you guessed it. Kung fu chess.

You know those happy little fantasy basketball, or fantasy football leagues you hear so much about at work? Well, take away those boring sports games and make a fantasy game worth playing. Like Fantasy Death Row! Yes folks, the internet is just chaulked full of useful information.

For this next site, you need some shockwave and it takes awhile to load. But I'll give you a summary. You create yourself an ugly little girl on the site. And then you take your little girl and put her in a cyber playground with other web-users. You can chat with said web users for awhile, but eventually comes the fighting. The object is to beat the hell out of the other ugly little girls to shove down their morale and boost yours up. Rather time consuming and fun. Check it out.

Now, this link isn't so much a game as it is a happy little survey. What you do is, you answer these questions they ask you. And based upon your answers they give you a summary of your mind. Kinda interesting, but I think you can probably figure out how to get specific answers if you do it more then one time. So, go build your own room.

Just when you thought all the good sports were gone, in steps the World Rock/Paper/Sissors League. Amazing stuff, really. If you dont feel like you're a seasoned pro against those world class atheletes, maybe you should study up on your techniques.

Happy wasting time. :)

2002-02-25T03:29:00.000-05:00

Apologies for my absence, once more. I've been participating in the wholesale destruction of nature known as gardening. :)

Much thanks to TuskenRaider for being so productive and holding down Les Forte.

2002-02-25T00:25:00.000-05:00

And for you Scarface fans out there, I made up a parody pic yesterday. Sorry for it's small size, I'll try to update this post with a larger size soon. Say hello to my little friend.

And another thing, why this website exists is really beyond a normal humans comprehension. So, to understand this phenomenon of a website we must first think like an idiot and talk like an idiot. For some of us this is hard, but not many. Click the link and let the site tell you the wonderous miracles of the universe that are the mighty mullets.

I've also stubbled across a very alarming revelation. I never knew there were so many. If you could see me right now, I assure you that the mullets made me tremble, but this just puts me over the edge.

2002-02-24T23:58:00.000-05:00

I surf the web alot. Too much? ah, probably. But I dont really care because I rationalize it in my head to make me think that I'm doing it for the millions of visitors we pretend we have each and every day. Thats right. It's all for you. And today, for you, we have a few more random links. This site is just hilarious.

"Master, Chino cannot fight for he is drunk and stumbly."
"He will fight. For I will teach him how. hahaha"
Everything you didn't want to know about drunken boxing is here and ready to make your head learn stuff.

Well. I really have no reason at all for posting this next link. But hey, when have The Funny Pipes ever have a reason for posting stuff? Spin the random link fairy 'round and 'round and see where she lands!

Also, I would like to take the time here and tell you a story that has been passed down in my family for months, even years. It all starts like this: Once upon a time there was this band. This band played some good tunes, even great tunes. To make a long story short, Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd just rocks, doesn't it?

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

2002-02-24T01:12:00.000-05:00

What is it about LEGOs that makes you smile with glee? The plastic scent? possibly. The jagged edges? maybe. The thrill of creating your first LEGO bordello? thats it. I've plucked a few more websites off the net for you pipers. This one and this one. God bless LEGO technology.

"What's up, cat woman? Can you tell me about the little boy, Nezu?"
"My name is Kaori and I'm gonna do some serious damage to your body!"
Oh, Shaq Fu, why did you get up and leave us without any sequels to your brilliance?

2002-02-23T00:09:00.000-05:00

We have a new sponser to the site. You may have heard of him before, goes by the name of Mr. T. He's got a new racket now to make some quick cash, check it out here.

Gold chains and medical treatment? Shit, I'm in heaven.

"Power is explosive beauty!"
Ah, video games. The whore of entertainment, just giving itself to you for hours at a time, to play and save at your leisure. What with their insane ramblings and sometimes pointless plots, you just have to smile at them. Or turn it off. Smile and/or turn it off. At any rate, again I was surfing the web and came across some funny sites that have something to do with our favourite whore. You can check out some of the more humorous quotes from the games, here. Or if hilarious short flash movies are your game, we have a couple for you here for some Nintendo based goodies and here for some various goodies.
Aren't video games fun?

2002-02-22T10:36:00.000-05:00

I was surfing around the web earlier and I came upon this site that I thought was pretty schazzy. It's called peoplecards.com and basically they are trading cards of regular people. Interesting stuff, check it out.

People Cards

And upon looking through their links page, I have also found another gem. Action figures + Military techniques = One heck of a good website. Check them out as well. I suggest you look at the training manuals. You may learn some valuable life lessons. Ah, if only I were that creative.

"Marge, the dolls trying to kill me and the toasters been laughing at me."
Need a Simpsons fix? Check out this site. It has all the information you could possibly want on everybodys favorite cartoon action figures. These guys have got their act together. Some notable include: Deep Space set and the At Bat set , Talking Evil Krusty and Burns Manor with Burns in his PJs.

Another worthless factoid is that there is an alarming number of "2"s in the date today. Frankly, it's a little unnerving. I mean, come on, what kind of year has 5 twos in the date?! Pure craziness I tell you. I'll be selling canned goods by the shopping carts, that will be all.

2002-02-21T13:52:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wished Pacman was a Leprechaun? If you answered yes, boy, you're in luck.

And often times I sit and wonder when the next apocolypse will arrive via penguins. Well, apparently it has already begun. Kill the penguins before they kill you.

2002-02-21T01:31:00.000-05:00

Our friend Billy McDoogle stopped in to tell us about his life and what he wants to be when he grows up. ...it involves Ninjas.

Over the course of my jam packed day of watching Price is Right and playing bumper pool, I've come up with a few Random Thoughts for your enjoyment. It'll be updated, so check back every couple weeks...or something.

2002-02-21T00:43:00.000-05:00

Testing one two. Testing one two. Can everybody in the house here me? ... The ladies in the back? Hopefully we'll be posting some more updates tonight after everything gets squared away. And everybody wave hello to this, my first blogger post. Schweet.

2002-02-19T23:21:00.000-05:00

Howdy all. The Funny Pipes is back in style with the first sizeable contribution by someone other than ThunderDroid or myself. Yup, it's none other than TuskenRaider, everybody's favourite googly-eyed screaming mad yutz. If you're interested in contributing to the site, find me on AIM as UnderhillBaggins or e-mail me at pepper_the_mad@hotmail.com.

Without further adieu, here's TuskenRaider's -

The Seven Words or Phrases That Make the Human Race Better and Why

2002-02-14T08:18:00.000-05:00

Obviously, thinking needs to be done. And not just by Tom Jones.

So I'll seeya soon, Pipers. But I can tell you this for certain -

It's impossible to lick your elbow.

2002-02-10T17:09:00.000-05:00

Howdy all!

This post is to announce that I will no longer be working with Pepper on The Funny Pipes web project. Yup, I'm officially piping down. Although this site is still relatively new, Pepper and I have been collaborating with one another on-line for some time, most notably at the Dark Side of the Monkey messageboard (where I will also be stepping down as co-administrator). We were fortunate enough to pack a lot of content into a short time here at FP, and it was great fun working with him in this setting. And, from now on, the fates of this site (and our forums) are in his hands. Best wishes, Pep!

I posted a more detailed explanation for my decision at DSotM on this thread. Thank you all for your support (and contributions) for our site! And, I'll see you around the neighborhood.

ThunderDroid signing off...

2002-02-06T08:40:00.000-05:00

Good evenings, Pipeses. Today we have a special treatses for you, yessss, we do, gollum!

Pipe Up! (The Funny Pipes Guestbook)

A place for all your commentses, nice commentses, Smeagol like! Validation ... or nothing! We loves it, we loves it forever!

2002-01-29T09:43:00.000-05:00

Hi-dely ho, neglecterinoes! Apologies for my lack of anything for this site lately. See, I've been busy doing ... nah, you wouldn't believe it even if it was true. Anyways, I just wanted to announce the commencement of my Terrifying Update Attack Kaboom. If you're having difficulty visualising what this might look like, this will certainly suffice.

The steadying hand represents a thrusting commitment to updating, the sword: unrelenting assault. The flames are of course the shattered remains of your funny receptors, and the weasel (not pictured) represents a conveniently unspecified duration. And you can hold me to this, unless by some miracle this post is deleted. Oh yeah, I can do that, can't I?

Seeya round the pipes!

2002-01-26T22:50:00.000-05:00

We've received a new and terrifying "holy crap!" image, rendered by ijo na. Check it out.

And, check out La Galerie Du Crappe, the new showcase for our growing library of "holy craps". Keep 'em coming, folks. And, thanks to ijo na, and all those who've sent in pics.

(edit note 1/28: Keep an eye out beneath the gallery listing on the left; from now on, we'll simply change the "updated" information when we receive new submissions, rather than post a new message here on the main page each time. Thanks for the new pic, Nat... and thanks to all in advance for any pics to come!)

2002-01-23T17:19:00.000-05:00

Bastards.

2002-01-21T12:11:00.000-05:00

Look Who's Piping...

This image was emailed to The Funny Pipes by "John D", whom we believe to be the very individual responsible for creating the Phoon-omenon mentioned in a previous update (1/8/2002). His omniscience and gratitude towards those who link to his site are the stuff of legends, and this is a thoughtful gesture indeed from one who has inspired so many. And, so say all of us.

From this day forward, our li'l "holy crap!" kid will go forth with the blessed blessings of The Phoon upon his fat head. And, perhaps our lifelong dream of an image gallery full of doctored and imitation photos of some kid with his hand on his head and his mouth open isn't so far out of reach, after all! *sniffle*

Thanks, Mr. D
The Funny Pipes

2002-01-16T23:04:00.000-05:00

We're back up after some downtime. Hosting problems have forced us to make a few changes. So, we have a banner ad now on our front page (and archives). The rest of The Funny Pipes remains ad-free on a different server. So, we're in relatively good shape again for the time being. And, that means our relentless pursuit of stupid can now continue unshitted. How glorious. Check back soon...

2002-01-08T20:37:00.000-05:00

Well, our good pal Natar has apparently taken quite a righteous hit from the funny pipe...

...and we think that deserves a free plug at the very least: GO TO NATNET!!! And, at the very most, we think this may inspire an entirely new feature here at The Funny Pipes: feel free to submit your own renderings of our site's mascot, and we'll gladly display them here, perhaps even in a gallery (eep!). Digital manipulations (example) or actual photos of folk striking the "holy crap!" pose would be just lovely. It'll be bigger than the phoon, if such a thing is even possible.

original "holy crap" images: black & white | color

Thanks, Nat!

2002-01-06T12:59:00.000-05:00

We've moved! :)

2001-12-30T18:47:00.000-05:00

Big things are happening at Funny Pipes!!! We've just launched our first venture into the world of heartless debt collection; The Funny Pipes Platinum Plus ® Credit Card is now available, and just in time for the holidays! (Groundhog's Day is a holiday too, you know). You can apply on-line immediately!!! Just click on the link above and apply through out instant application server!!!! By god it's fun to pretend isn't it!?!?!?!?

2001-12-23T11:12:00.000-05:00

Pepper the Mad tackles:
Popular World Issues

In the fine tradition of Pepper the Mad tackles: Long Division and Pepper the Mad tackles: Schoolgirls, I now turn my brilliant mind towards solving the major popular problems with the world today in an exciting and cavalier manner. Because if history has taught us anything, it's that it's very very boring. And why are boring things automatically not worth doing?

Ex-actly.

2001-12-22T20:32:00.000-05:00

Tales of intrigue and freakishness. It's The Funny Pipes Fables. You may notice a striking resemblance in content to "Milkman Dan's Fables" from Dark Side of the Monkey, but that's because you've been drinking all day and aren't thinking too clearly right now.

Be sure to read all four fables to learn their timeless lessons, and keep an eye out for more to come...

2001-12-14T19:46:00.000-05:00

Unfasten your jingle jingle and prepare to shift your yuletide into hyper-jive. It's Christmas Memories with Uncle George.

2001-12-09T07:14:00.000-05:00

The Future of Motion Pictures - More Bruce Willis Deaths

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's noticed a particularly desirable trend in big Bruce Willis films of late (by "big" I mean ones I have conveniently selected for argument). He's been dying a whole lot more. It's a trend that fake analysts like me have given some thought to. And without meaning to sound psychopathic, I love the smell of dying Brucie in the morning. And, in the afternoon. And, four times during the night otherwise I can't sleep.

2001-12-04T22:02:00.000-05:00

I'm Not A Dictator,
I'm A Workaholic!

Hi there!

My name is Generallismo Esteban Alcaddizar, Grand Cordoba of Estebania. And I'm a workaholic, I guess. I mean, I do everything around here!

2001-12-04T20:03:00.000-05:00

Waltoncube

2001-12-02T13:56:00.000-05:00

We should invite this guy to contribute to our site here: Robert R. Hartley - Resume. Check out his "Recent Contributed Talks" section, the 9th entry. I'm also curious to know what a "mushy layer flow" might be... but not curious enough to actually attend a physics lecture, mind you.

2001-12-01T16:41:00.000-05:00

Playing with ThunderDroid...

"ThundeDroid's Art Gallery" is up at Playing With Life, a site run by Steve "The Weegmeister" Chandler. He's putting your tax dollars to work, boy howdy, and the site is currently under construction. But, there's still plenty to play with. My section is primarily digital manipulations based on Star Wars characters. Thanks, Weeg.

2001-11-29T11:41:00.000-05:00

The New 2002 Model Dark Side of the Monkey is here!

dark side of the monkey
(message board)

Oh, what a beauty! The 2002 Model is sleek, efficient, and powerful, and just in time for the Monkey's very first birthday. Engineered with the latest breakthroughs in web thingamabobs. This is some seriously high-octane, geared up shit, people. VRRRROOOOOMMMM.

Cup-holder optional.

2001-11-24T20:29:00.000-05:00

The old school video game craze continues here at The Funny Pipes... primarily because Pepper and I continue to pack our pipes with all-natural 100% recycled monkeystuffs. What a wicked buzz!

The Astrosmash Journal
A Chronicle of Laser Warfare

Now fitted with TOTALLY AWESOME™ new graphics and animations for that unmistakable retro stink. Pull up a couch and fire away...

2001-11-24T03:07:00.000-05:00

Postscript: I decided I just had to hear the song that was deserving enough of Funny Pipes' first ever post, so I downloaded "Rock Lobster".

*deletes "Rock Lobster" *

2001-11-21T18:08:00.000-05:00

The Archives are now enabled, and functioning. The site should keep a full history of our posts for each month (so far, it's just this month).

2001-11-20T09:46:00.000-05:00

Recycling is good for the planet. And online, the lazy. Originally posted at Dark Side of the Monkey and still a work in progress. It's got .423,262 percent new material. It's not particularly flattering to any culture nor its deranged original author. It's a documented milestone that you can cite when thinking back where it all went wrong. So what are you waiting for? Stop reading this and start reading that! Stop, I say! Damn you, stop! Click on the link already! You! Yes, you! You stole the cookies from the ...

"A Japanese Guide to Western Etiquette".

2001-11-19T19:45:00.000-05:00

Mmmmm, can you smell those piping hot funnies? Added "Band Names That Don't Exist But Should" from the Dark Side of the Monkey thread of the same name. Check it out, even if you've already seen the thread.

2001-11-18T21:11:00.000-05:00

November 18th, 2002

Wow, Funny Pipes, who'd have thought we'd make it through a whole year. Why, it seems like just yesterday when I was painstakingly designing all the graphics for the site whilst my compatriot couched himself and stuffed his face in front of cartoons, laughing in that Pepper-like fashion of his.

It's certainly been an interesting year. My favourite part would have to be back in March when people spontaneously started paying us to do this. Ah, the joys of human generosity certainly leave a funny feeling in my pants. Wait, that's just money. Now I can't for the life of me remember why they did it, but our fates are certainly not to be questioned or acted upon in any way excepting total submission.

As I recall there was at first some hesitation at changing the name of the site to "The Funny Pipes". Such hesitation would be unthinkable now in the palatial splendour of the site!

If you want to view ... paradise,
Simply look around and view it.
Anything you want to, do it,
Want to change the world? There's nothing to it.

But the road was not easy, remember? There were so many twists and turns, a seemingly impossible series of highs and lows, time raced by, time stood still. A bit like a rollercoaster ride really - certainly not an ideal environment for childbirth. Who could forget the time when ... hahaha! Or even when ... ah, I won't bore you telling that story AGAIN, hehe! You know the one I mean! Anyway, the details aren't important. We're all alive and smiling, aren't we? Except for those three. Now let's never mention human sacrifice again.

Finally, let's all remember our dearly departed cohort ThunderDroid, who is responsible for the site looking the way it is, that is, super orgyastic + 1. Without such a lower middle level of web design ecstasy it is entirely likely the site would not even exist. For he who made our lives a little funnier and more pipe-like every day, let us observe a moment of silence. Haha! Kidding. He who even in death continues to waste our time.

Toodles!

- The Ray

2001-11-18T18:17:00.000-05:00

Hello again. And, welcome again. This is the site again.

Funny Pipes!!! Whoooooo!!!!

Yup. Pepper and I will still be incorporating many of the concepts from Dark Side of the Monkey into this site eventually, even though the name has changed. Neat. In the meantime, and for no particular reason at all, here are the lyrics to "Rock Lobster" by the B-52's...

We were at a party
His ear lobe fell in the deep
Someone reached in and grabbed it
It was a rock lobster

We were at the beach
Everybody had matching towels
Somebody went under a dock
And there they saw a rock
It wasn't a rock
It was a rock lobster

Motion in the ocean
Oooo Wooo
His air hose broke
Oooo Wooo
Lots of trouble
Oooo Wooo
Lots of bubble
Oooo Wooo
He was in a jam
S'in a giant clam

Down, down

Underneath the waves
Mermaids wavin'
Wavin' to mermen
Wavin' sea fans
Sea horses sailin'
Dolphins wailin'

Red snappers snappin'
Clam shells clappin'
Muscles flexin'
Flippers flippin'

Down, down

Let's rock!

Boy's in bikinis
Girls in surfboards
Everybody's rockin'
Everybody's fruggin'

Twistin' 'round the fire
Havin' fun
Bakin' potatoes
Bakin' in the sun

Put on your noseguard
Put on the Lifeguard
Pass the tanning butter

Here comes a stingray
There goes a manta-ray
In walked a jelly fish
There goes a dog-fish
Chased by a cat-fish
In flew a sea robin
Watch out for that piranha
There goes a narwhal
HERE COMES A BIKINI WHALE!